To all the Childless Mums

We don’t know each other, but I expect I know more about the inner workings of your mind than your closest family and friends.

I know about the times you have quietly cried yourself to sleep, when you’ve sobbed in the supermarket buying sanitary products because your period’s arrived again or the time you feigned illness because you just couldn’t face the world.

More than anything I know about the loneliness you carry in your heart.

And I wanted to say that I am sorry.

I am sorry that something that is so easy for most, is so hard for you.

I am sorry that your sex life has turned into a military operation with scheduled appointments. That something so intimate and private between you and your partner has turned into a clinical process with medical professionals dictating what you can and can’t do, invading your body and criticising you.

I am sorry that your postcode dictates what support you get from the NHS and when you can have it. I am sorry for the thousands of pounds that you saved or borrowed, has left you with nothing but an empty bank account and a broken heart.

I am sorry for every smile you have ever faked and ‘congratulations’ you’ve been compelled to give when another pregnancy announcement is plastered all over facebook.

I am sorry for the pain you’ve endured at every single baby shower, christening or children’s party that you forced yourself to attend at the expense of your own sanity to make someone else happy. Or for the one time you didn’t attend because it was just too god damn hard; where you were labeled as selfish and bitter because on that one day you couldn’t find the strength to pretend that you were ok.

I am sorry for all the moments when you want nothing more than to be happy for the people in your life who you love the most, but all you feel is jealousy, resentment, and sadness.

I am sorry that you are yet to experience the elation of seeing a positive result on the 1000th pregnancy test you have taken, and I am even more sorry if you ever felt that joy for a brief moment only to have it stolen from you too soon.

I am sorry for the times when your body cruelly tricks you. When you’re a few days late and your PMS symptoms feel a little different this month. When you dare to hope that ‘this could be your time’ but you’re petrified to take a test because you can’t face seeing another negative result.

I am sorry for the immense pressure this puts on your relationship. For the fear you carry that your boyfriend/partner/husband (with his perfect sperm) could decide at any moment that this is all too much and may one day leave you and procreate with another woman.

I am sorry for how much this journey has changed you. That something which was meant to be exciting turned into dread, fear and heartache.

I am sorry that you’ve lost so much time. Maybe you’ve even lost friends or family along the way too.

I am sorry for the things you’ve put your body through. From the countless tests and medical procedures to the harrowing process of pumping yourself with hormones to try and get your body to do the thing that it’s meant to.

I am sorry for eye rolls you receive when you say you’re trying alternative medicines. Whether it be herbal supplements, reiki, reflexology, acupuncture, fertility massage or whatever the latest ‘fad’ is. Because you believe you have to do everything within your power to feel like you truly gave it your best shot.

And my god, I am so sorry if you’ve done all of these things and you’re still left with empty arms.

I’m sorry for all the people who say stupid things or suddenly become fertility experts. The people that tell you to relax, stick your legs in the air and that it will happen when the time is right. Who say you should grateful for what you have, that kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be or that there are plenty of children in the world who need adopting.

I am sorry that you’ve probably watched every single one of your friends start a family whilst you’re stuck in limbo. Caught between telling yourself that nothing comes easy and you have to work your absolute hardest for the things you want the most, yet feeling exhausted from the fight whilst life passes you by.

I am sorry for all the times you were silent as you listened to pregnant women moaning about how awful things are for them when you want to scream in their face that they should be grateful for the miracle they’ve been blessed with.

I am sorry for the times when you cried so hard for so long that you wondered if you would ever be able to stop. For the shame you feel that you have failed as a woman. For the guilt you carry because you can’t give your husband a family, your parents’ grandchildren or your sibling’s nieces and nephews.

I know you feel alone.

And I know that there are times when you feel so broken that you just don’t know how to carry on anymore.

But I also know that you are strong. Stronger than so many people in your life even realise.

You are graceful and despite everything, you are probably more grateful for the things you do have because you know how it feels when something is taken for granted.

And most importantly, I know that no matter what happens, even when you don’t believe it, you will be ok.

So in the middle of the night in those moments when you feel like no one in the world could possibly understand how you feel. Know that I am here, and I stand with you.

Love Hannah – a fellow Childless Mum.

32 thoughts on “To all the Childless Mums

  1. Thank you.

    For allowing me to cry for once, not tears of anger, hurt and heartache, but ones of hope. Tears that allow me to not be the only one feeling everything you have said.

    I can’t express how much these words mean to me.

    1. ❤️ Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. My biggest worry was that I might offend someone going through this journey but I also wanted to break the silence on infertility and hope it may have a positive impact on someone else going through this. Thank you for making it all worthwhile! Xx

  2. Thank you ❤️
    As the previous commenter said, you’ve allowed us to cry tears that aren’t of sorrow, longing or devastation, but tears of feeling accepted and, finally, less alone!

    You’re an incredible lady x

  3. Thank you… you have put being childless in to words for me when i have never been able to do it… to try and explain how i feel but never noing the right words… so thank you so much xx

  4. What an amazing piece of writing! I have tried so many times to try to explain how I feel and no one seemed to understand. It’s almost like you have been in my head, living my parallel life. Thank you for putting into words what is so difficult to explain to others. Love to all the mums without babies x

  5. Thankyou Hannah, your words mirror myself & so many others.
    I am presently in the middle of a blip a very dark at times, so very painful daily.
    I can never find the words that explains the heartache
    You are amazing to be able to write what exactly I feel, your light has shone through to my heart,
    Well done you, lots of love to you & all xx

  6. My friend sent me the link to this blog post and I just want to thank you for writing exactly how I am feeling. You have written it so well and has made us realise we are not alone. We are all in this together and we are warriors.

    After going through 6 unsuccesful rounds of Clomid, 1 round of IVF which resulted in an early miscarriage and just starting the process for a FET, this post has come at just the right time.

    Thank you again,
    Yazmin xx

  7. Hi, I have children, but I cannot see my life without them, and because of that, my heart cries out for you. Is just not right for those who really wish for babies not to have them. If is any help for you, I am praying to God to bless you all and believe me that even before to have read this, I was always thinking about you, the one alone, the one which will give their life only to give birth to a tiny baby. I cannot say that I truly understand how you feel, but I can honestly sau that I have no words to say how sorry I am to know that so many people are childless. I just feel quilty but thankful at the same because I was blessed with children and sometimes I wish to have the power to pass on someone else this blessing. May God bless all of you, you the strongest and the most courageous creation God made. ❤️❤️❤️

  8. Thank you so much for showing that other people are there and I’m not alone. I’m almost at the start of the process yet so many feelings that you describe I feel and no one truly understands. Thank you!

  9. Wow. This just hits the nail on the head! No truer words said, it’s everything I’ve ever felt but never been able to say, but I still have that little bit of hope that one day it will all work out for me. Stay strong ladies.

  10. God bless you Hannah. I couldn’t have found a more perfect account of utter honesty and a true reflection of what it is like myself.
    Be strong my girl. I’m out the other side and life is great!!!!
    Thank you! Such a heartfelt message.
    Made me cry and I thought I’d past that stage a couple years back.

  11. Thank you Hannah amazing account of just how it is …such a tough and heartbreaking journey …where those close to you don’t get it…we all get it but feel alone with the grief…. I don’t feel so alone now❤️

  12. This could have been me writing this (although not as well written) It’s spot on and exactly what goes through my mind during tough times.
    I am very fortunate to have a son that we conceived naturally before my insides went on strike, but this still resonates even with someone with secondary infertility.
    As awful as it sounds, as I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, it’s nice to know there are people out there that understand how you feel.

  13. I love this I really do. Currently on cycle 10. But why use a picture of a woman who has clearly had a baby? That’s a mum tum for sure. But I love the sentiments of what you’ve written. Completely resonates with me.

  14. This is incredible. It’s amazing how many people (woman and men) who feel they are alone, carry the same emotional feelings. Thank you for writing this ❤️

  15. Thank you! It’s so good to know that many of those thoughts are shared and feel like a burden to others too, it’s not just me! Hugs to all you ladies who didn’t choose to be childless!

  16. Not surprised that this made its way to the United States, but thank you for this. Currently undergoing fertility treatment with my husband and his “perfect sperm” that really hit home (as did every other word!). Much love to every woman on this journey! ❤

  17. Thank you for this beautifully written piece, my niece Zoe shared this with me, as we both have been thorough this dreadful process. We are very lucky to have successfully had our babies, but we both never forget that heartache, and longing.
    I also think constantly about all of he women and men who are struggling and longing for their child, I hope I always offer the right level of empathy and support to any women I meet wanting a child as I did.
    I often start a conversation about my daughter – with the words about how she took 10 years to make! So that women and men can feel able to share their heartache with me. I want every person I meet to know they can tell me about their struggles, worries and grief that they are going thorough.
    Mary xx

  18. Thank you for your willingness to help others like myself to understand we are not alone in this. Yes I have adopted two wonderful kids and have fostered over 40 but it’s still not the same as carrying a child and feeling them grow. Now that I’m in my 30’s I am often thinking about never getting pregnant and how I’ve missed out on something special.

  19. I shed few tears while reading this. I don’t exactly feel what you are going through but can ask God to share the fertility vibes from us . I am blessed with kids I hope you all do sooon too:)
    PKG

  20. I couldn’t help but shed tear to this story of my life. To all childless Mums, we understand each others emotions. Thank you so much for expressing what we go through.

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